What a month!

I have made it almost to the end of January 2024 and what a month it has been! Managed to get settled back into work but took a new position that has me experiencing panic attacks & losing sleep. However, I can see where this process goes and it is just matter of ‘just keep swimming.’ I have an amazing team to work with as well as several colleagues and students who are supporting me. Money issues are slowly working themselves out but they are still a source of a stress for me. My physical issues are still here but I simply do not let them stop me from going to work. I am learning where my limits are plus how to deal with the pain and fatigue. I was able to visit my mother for the first time in months and we had a blast. A brother-sister date breakfast is scheduled. I accepted an invitation to a quilting/craft fellowship in early February. I even joined my co-workers for a post-training gathering which was a ton of fun and at which we tentatively planned a girls’ weekend. Our week of artic cold with snow and then ice was hard to deal with but we did it without incurring any necessary repairs or loss of pay. Now we are having a few days of rain so we watch for flooding. The joys of life in the southern USA :-) I have this quiet Saturday to myself so I thought I would check in and update my reading challenges. Here’s to the best for the coming month!

Almost time to say goodbye to 2023

“The Senility Prayer”
Source: The Leaning Tree

My knee issues exploded into two months of unpaid leave and I am a wee bit stressed as I write this. I have used almost all of the money I saved from our house sale and, while something like this is exactly why I held on to it, I didn’t expect to have to use it so soon. I have managed to get both items promised to my hubby (a storage trailer for his hobby gear and a motorcycle) purchased as well as several house repairs that he is invested in (shop drain issue solved, trees trimmed, and replace dividing wall between master bedroom & his computer room). Very few things of importance to me other than standard household finances and my medical bills have gotten done. I am so frustrated by being the only working (and often responsible) adult in the house but that is the way it has been for almost 15 years now so I just weather his temper tantrums and try to keep going as best I can. I admit that being incapacitated and unpaid for so long has really taken a toll on my mental health. Knowing that my knees are breaking down due to degenerative issues I didn’t know I had worries me even more – will I be able to continue working until 2028? What happens if I become unable to walk? If I am able to start drawing retirement in 2028 as planned, what part-time work will I be able to do to get out of the house and supplement that income? I guess this is what folk do at this age and time of life but I have to admit that this is quite scary. I hope getting back to work tomorrow will help even if that 0430 wakeup will be challenging for a while. Here’s hoping and praying things work out!

Where has the time gone?

I am home recuperating from knee surgery and discover it has been AGES since I worked on my space here. It has been quite the year! I made it through the rough patch of driving 2 hours each way to my new job – and what a job it is. We found a house we both liked enough to buy and have made A LOT of progress on getting the landscape under control as well as settle into the house properly. We adopted one of my mother’s dogs when personalities clashed in a destructive way. I am no longer the newest person at my job. Many trips home to visit Mom, had a short visit from mother-in-law, and even made a trip to my sister’s in New Mexico. Still trying to make friends and have a social life that doesn’t break the bank. So much living in such a short space of time but then I realize that we just started September so it wasn’t that short at all. GASP ~ my favorite season is almost upon us 🙂

Welcome 2023!

Today is a gloriously sunny day with temperatures in the mid-70s! It is not a day to be stuck inside so I have taken the quick route to updating my reading challenge pages and this post as well. I have my first book of the year downloaded and ready to go. Sadly, after a *fabulous* evening with family, I have a slight hangover headache. Plus with all the family time this weekend, I have a ton of laundry to do as well as some necessary household chores. However, with the completion of this post, I shall spend equal time working inside as well as reading outside. May 2023 be kind to us all. Happy New Year!

Still here & moving forward

*Listened to that voice … so glad I did!*

It has been quite some time since I felt like posting. Since I last posted, I resigned from my job, we have moved across the ocean (including 3 gruleing days of pet travel), where we have setup a temporary household in the southern USA. It has been … interesting. For several months, I looked for another federal job. After hearing nothing but negatives, I took a temporary secretarial position that paid only $10 per hour! I also took an online tutoring job that paid $15 per hour when I could get students. This did four things: got money flowing, got me back into the work-a-day world, brought secretarial current on my resume, and let me see that people appreciate me as a worker. I *loved* the secretarial spot but it simply did not pay enough for us to get our own place. With a heavy heart, I returned to the original back-up plan: teach at a correctional facility. Unsurprisingly, I got the job. I have been working there since October 14 and I am having a blast! It can be quite intense and the mental drain of being constantly vigilant for trouble is draining. Driving 1.5 hours each way is taxing as is rising at 0330 to depart for work at 0430 and start work at 0630. By the time I get home at 1630-1700, visit with everyone, take care of online tutoring and household chores, I barely have energy to pack my bag for the next day. However, I feel energized by the work itself and rejuvenated as a worthy individual. There is so much I could tell you about this job but I haven’t had my own class of students yet, so I will hold off until that happens. It is slightly depressing to be here for 6 months and still not have our own house. We finally have a realtor and are actively searching but what my husband wants and what we can afford do not necessarily line up with a five-year plan. He wants out of the south but I want time to get vested in this company and (maybe) complete my Ph.D. before we move west. We have settled on 5-7 years for that which doesn’t leave a lot of time to pay off a mortgage and the nest egg for the house simply doesn’t buy a lot of house much less the workshop he so desperately desires. Sigh … I just have to have patience and keep looking – something will turn up and we will finally be able to settle into our own place. We are safe & welcome where we are so there is no need to rush into anything. We had a lovely family meal for Christmas Eve and today has been a blessedly quiet day. I have so needed a day or two to simply be a bump on a log! And on that note, I shall away to finish the laundry and settle with a book or movie. Merry Christmas to you all – may whatever holiday you celebrate be filled with joy, peace, and love!

Recentered & recharged

*We did it! Bucket list / last hurray trip to Egypt 🙂*

It was scary as hell but we ventured forth to Egypt for the last week. Since we are leaving Europe, why not make sure to get in that one special trip that you would regret not taking. I am so glad I booked a personal trip package with Ramassides – what a different culture! It was extremely pleasant having a private driver, personal assistant, and tour guide; plus it was absolutely necessary for those unacquainted with the Egyptian culture. It was blazing hot – note: do not travel during summer unless you absolutely have to do so & realize domestic air travel is a nightmare – but we did everything on our list with few revisions. We even had an entire morning poolside! We were able to forget about the coming move for a few days and reconnect with each other. We have always been better as a team but our current situation has the potential for disaster so I worry quite a bit. Personally, being in such a strange place where inner strength is a must for outer strength, allowed me to discard the “you are a terrible person” vision beat into my head this past school year and focus on the strong, capable, caring woman I truly am & who will be desperately needed in the next few months. I also came to terms with the fact that I am exhausted & don’t want to struggle making a life to please someone else. As the team’s ‘responsible adult’, I have to make sure I can continue to function or we are screwed. So priorities while the handsome hubbie takes his annual vacation: a job, a house, and feed my soul. Recentered, recharged, and ready to rumble 🙂

Still here … still moving forward

*This is so hard to remember when the person in pain lashes out to cause you pain.*

This was never about “forever”

*Found on Facebook – didn’t note source*

Whelp – I did it. I resigned from my job of 22 years. I took this job as a way to ensure our financial status as I retired at the earliest possible opportunity. [For this particular position, that means 20+ years in service and reaching age 57 1/2 while investing at full rates for all retirement accounts.] I have always told myself that if the time came to walk away, I would know and the message has been received loud and clear. This was never meant to be my forever place in life. There is supposed to be a third stage in the play too. I have always intended to return to the States, slow down, do something else for money, and enjoy life with family & friends as a retiree. However, I must admit that the plan also included having a house set up and my side gig fully operational before I made that leap. Hum…maybe the Powers That Be know I haven’t taken a good look at myself to know where I want to settle. I have changed so much since I left the South that I don’t believe I fit there anymore. So where do I fit? I love being near my family but there truly is such a thing as too close. So where is that magical geographical point? I have 6.5 years until I meet the minimum age required to draw full retirement benefits (which are safe until I apply for them & definitely sufficient for our needs) so what job do I want to do during that time? While this change is scary as all get out, this will be a good chance to readjust to life in the States, reconnect with family, get my side gig going, and take a good look at myself. A lot can happen in 7 years – wish me luck!

Spring – a time of rebirth

While we have made a step toward closing the issue at work, it is entering its 7th week now without a definitive end in site and the mental/emotional toll is starting to show despite my best efforts. While Mother Nature is coming gloriously alive, it is clear to me that I will not be able to experience rebirth until I am free from this place. My husband has finally seen first hand what had brought me to this point but he is just now working through the anger & grief. I try to include him in the decisions but he has a passive-aggressive streak you could see from space so more often than not it is just an exercise in frustration. Short of not taking this step, I don’t think there is truly any way to ensure he is ‘happy’ with the coming change. I am trying so hard to view things from his perspective but I have a hard time being understanding when his entire future livelihood and comfort depends on what I am earning. This is our life and always has been but it is still frustrating. Living here has given him prestige, a reason to be jobless for almost 20 years, and allowed us to live a relatively carefree lifestyle after our mortgage was paid. Here we are in the last six years of pre-retirement and life was looking pretty good to slide into a quiet, financially secure future. Now – bam! – most of that is changing. Therein lies the problem, I think. The next year will not be financially carefree even though my retirement will be secure; I will see to that. We will no longer be ‘visitors from overseas’ or ‘serving with the military’ so that prestige is gone. People will judge him because in their eyes there will be no longer be a reason for him to be without a job. I can see all of this but I cannot relate to any of it. I’ve worked hard to get us to this point but I can’t continue to be the responsible adult in this toxic environment. I honestly believe that I have been targeted and to stay would be foolhardy. My well-being does not depend on anyone else, it never has, and I can – and must – do this! I’m going to take this Spring Break to restore as much of my mental health as possible and get to decision making. It is going to be a rough 3 months.

Moving forward

I ripped off the band-aid and told my little family of my need to escape. Oh my God, the tears and fear as I spent three days repeatedly breaking the hearts of those I hold most dear. After the initial shock, my family has rallied around me and focused on how we move forward from here. During the last week it has been consistently clear that the Universe has cleverly lined this up for me – praise the Lord! – and the relief I feel at this moment is palpable. We have discovered that this move will allow me to directly help them move into their next chapters too. How often does one get the chance to make someone else’s dream come true? While our initial separation will be incredibly painful and the months between now and then bittersweet moments, it is exciting to know that we will continue to be a part of each other’s lives as each of us moves forward with the next exciting chapter. I will forever be a girl whose heart exists in two places but after 20 years away, I am ready to come home. There are so many options for what comes next and so many places I could screw up but I honestly believe Someone is looking out for me. Please continue to remember me to your higher power – this is really happening!